Mail Order Motherhood (Brides of Beckham) Read online

  He let out a breath. “I don’t know. How long do you think I should need?” His voice was more than a little irritated with her. Why was she pushing him? Usually the man was the aggressor, and he’d never dreamed he’d be married to a woman who would be demanding her rights.

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. I just need to know that there’s a possibility between us. The way things are just doesn’t seem right.”

  He sighed. “No, they don’t to me either. I just don’t feel like I have anything left to offer a woman.” How could he? He’d buried his heart in the grave with his wife.

  Clara put down the sweater and her yarn and walked around the table, taking the seat beside his and pulling it close. She put her hand on his arm. “You have so much to offer. I watch the way you are with the children and know there’s a loving caring man inside you. You treat my children just like you treat your own. The love is there. Why can’t you just give me a chance?” Even Clara couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. Why she was practically begging the man for his love. Did she have no shame?

  He looked at the hand on his arm, and then he looked up at her. His tongue moved out to wet his lips. He’d wanted to kiss her for weeks, but felt like it would be a betrayal to Sally. Could he kiss her…and be a husband to her, without feeling guilty? Would it be wrong to move on? If it was just physical, and he didn’t let his emotions get involved, would that make it all right?

  He scooted his chair a little closer to hers and cupped her chin in his hand. “I know it seems strange to you, but I feel odd touching any woman but my wife this way.”

  Clara’s eyes were a warm brown in the light of the lantern. “Your former wife you mean. I’m your wife now.”

  He nodded, and his gaze dropped to her mouth. He’d noticed her full lips before, and wondered how it would feel to kiss them for real. Slowly he lowered his head toward hers, half afraid of what would happen when their lips actually touched.

  Clara watched as his mouth descended toward hers, her eyes finally closing as his lips brushed against her own. She felt a shudder of surprise as he kissed her. There was an electricity between them she hadn’t felt with Nathan. She parted her lips for his kiss, and he immediately swept his tongue in to deepen the pressure. His hand left her jaw and moved around to the back of her neck, holding her mouth in place for him.

  Her hands crept up and moved to his shoulders, caressing them softly while her lips returned his kisses. She’d missed being intimate with a man. She’d missed kissing and being held. Her husband’s death had shut down that part of her nature for a long while, but now? Now she was ready for more, and she was married to this man.

  After a long moment, Albert pulled his head away staring down at her with surprise. “I’m not sure we should have done that,” he said to her.

  Clara shook her head. “I’m sure we should have. Albert, I know how you feel about your late wife. I do. But we’re not buried with our first spouses. We’re here, and we need to go on for ourselves and for our children.”

  He stared down into her eyes for a moment before sitting up straight and staring off over her shoulder. “Let’s leave things as they are for another week or so. I’ll try to be more…affectionate during that time. I’ll touch you more. Kiss you more. We’ll see how we feel in a week, and if we both want to, maybe you can move your things down to my bedroom.” He almost choked on the words, hating the idea of sharing the room he’d shared with Sally with any other woman, but knowing that she was right, and the way things were between them was unnatural.

  She nodded slowly, standing up. She was a lot more shaken by his kiss than she’d thought she’d be. It wasn’t like she was a young virgin who had never been kissed. She’d been married for nine years. “That sounds fine.” She stood and gathered up her crocheting and hid them away again. “Good night, Albert.”

  He was blocking the way to the stairs. “I said I’d be more affectionate.” He put his arms around her and tenderly kissed her good night. “Good night, Clara.” He walked to his bedroom and shut the door with a snap.

  Clara took the lantern and used it to guide her to her bed. As she undressed in the darkness and put her nightgown on, she knew that things would never be the same between them again. No matter what happened from here, they could never go back to the easy friendship they’d had the past few weeks.

  She slipped into bed beside Natalie, and she knew she didn’t want that easy friendship back. She needed to see how things would work out between them. She needed to know that they could have a real marriage.

  *****

  Things did change between them after that night. He kissed her good morning when he saw her each morning before the children rose. After the children were in bed, the two of them would spend time together, sitting close. Sometimes they would kiss, and sometimes they would just talk, but always they’d be touching somewhere, even if it was just their knees through the layers of clothing they both wore.

  As they got closer to their self-imposed deadline of one week, Clara got more and more nervous. Would he reject her, or would he invite her to share his bed? She was nervous at the idea of sharing a bed with a man she’d known for such a short period, but she’d put herself in this situation, and she truly didn’t want out of it.

  Albert thought of her during the day while he worked. He found himself daydreaming about what it would be like to lay Clara bare on his bed, and press between her spread thighs. He wanted her. There was no doubt about that, and if he didn’t give her his heart, there was nothing wrong with having relations with her, was there?

  On the day they’d given themselves as a deadline, he’d sent Clarence on to the house after milking with the promise that he’d be in shortly. He’d gone to kneel at Sally’s grave, right there on the other side of the road from the barn. He explained everything to her. “I know it must seem to you as if I’m cheating on you, but I’m not. I still love you. I never would have remarried so soon if I hadn’t needed a wife so badly. It was for the sake of the children. Now, I find that the wife isn’t happy to stay upstairs, but after two months, who can blame her? Please don’t hate me, Sally. I don’t love her. I could never love another woman the way I loved you. I’ll just do my duty toward her, and that will have to be enough.”

  He stood and walked toward the house, wishing he could send the children to bed right away so he could take his wife to his bed. He wanted her. Badly. He could admit that to himself. He was ready to have a woman in his bed again. It had been over a year since he’d had relations. It was time. He was a man after all, and he had a right to make love to the new wife he’d taken.

  Clara was more aware of her new husband that evening than ever before. Their kisses and discussions after the children had gone to bed for the past week had her waiting nervously to see how he would react to her. When he came into the house, he stopped at the stove where she was cooking to brush a soft kiss across her cheek. Her eyes met his in surprise, because he’d never done that in front of the children before. Did that mean he was ready to make their marriage a real one?

  Clara took her seat at the table and listened to Albert’s deep voice pray. She barely picked at her food, so nervous she was shaking. She had no idea what the evening would bring, but she was glad she would finally have an answer to some of her questions. She needed that answer.

  The girls played with Robert after the dishes were done, slowly rolling a ball back and forth between them. Clarence sat at the table with her and Albert doing his arithmetic and asking questions whenever he had one.

  Clara worked steadily on the new shirt she was making for Robert, taking her time with each tiny buttonhole. The painstakingly slow work made her concentrate on something other than what would be happening once the children were in bed.

  Finally it was nine, and time for the children to sleep. She went up the stairs with them to see them to their beds as she always did. She’d left a nightgown hidden downstairs earlier in the day, just in case. She
didn’t know if she’d need it, but if she did, she wanted to be prepared. While Robert had napped earlier, she’d taken a bath in the big tin tub in Albert’s bedroom as well. She wanted to be clean for him.

  Robert wanted an extra story that evening, so she let all the children pile onto the bed he shared with Clarence, and she told one of her favorite bedtime tales from her childhood. Even though Natalie and Clarence had heard the story over and over, they enjoyed their time lounging on the bed, listening to the stories she told.

  Finally, she got all four children into bed and crept silently down the stairs, looking at Albert as he sat at the table, whittling as usual. She took a deep breath as she walked toward him, waiting for his decision. She stopped just a foot in front of him, and he set his wood and knife down, taking her hand in his and leading her to his bedroom. He closed the door behind them, and he stood looking at her in the light of the lantern that he’d lit while she was upstairs.

  His hands reached out to cup her face, and his eyes bored into hers. “I want you,” he whispered softly. He wouldn’t lie and tell her he loved her, but did that matter? They were married and raising four children together. They had a right to enjoy the benefits of marriage.

  She took the big step between them that pressed her body against his. “I want you, too.” When she’d first talked to him about all this, she hadn’t really wanted him. She’d just felt like their relationship was strange and needed this, but after two weeks of kissing after the children went to bed and talking about everything under the sun, she knew she was ready to take the relationship to the next level.

  He slowly lowered his head to kiss her. Her tongue darted out to wet her lips. He brushed his lips softly across hers as if savoring her feel. She moved her hands to his shoulders, silently urging him to deepen the kiss. Instead he quietly brushed her lips before standing straight and looking down at her again. “You’re a beautiful woman.”

  She blinked a few times. He’d never complimented her on her appearance. Only on the things she did as a wife and mother. “Thank you,” she whispered.

  He didn’t say anything else, just looked at her. She wondered if he’d ever get around to making love to her, or if he was going to take all night. On one hand, she loved the idea of a slow sensual feast, of kissing and caressing and making love all night long. On the other hand, she knew the next day would be full of responsibilities. What was losing one night of sleep for pleasure and getting to know her husband though? She could handle that.

  “Sit on the bed,” he urged.

  She gave him a surprised look, but sat at the foot of the bed and watched as he knelt at her feet and carefully removed each of her shoes and socks. When he finished, he rubbed her feet for her, his hands sliding all the way up to her knees as they massaged her calves and the soles of her feet.

  She sighed contentedly. “That feels so good.”

  The look he gave her gave nothing away. His were half closed, and she couldn’t see his eyes at all.

  She braced her hands behind her and leaned back against them, giving herself over to the feeling of having someone touch her intimately again after so long. Somehow even his touch on her legs made her quake with wanting him.

  When he stood again, she shivered in reaction. The man certainly knew his way around a bedroom in a way Nathan never had. He took her hand and pulled her to her feet, unbuttoning the front of her dress. His lips brushed hers again as he pushed her dress off her shoulders and quickly divested her of her petticoat. He wanted to see her. She’d been his wife for over a month and he’d never seen her body. She’d been right. It was unnatural for them to be man and wife and parent together, but not make love or share a bed.

  When she stood bare in front of him, his eyes traveled over her, noting the small marks at her waist indicating she’d carried children. Her breasts were full, and despite childbirth, her waist was small. He wondered why she’d never married again after Nathan had died. She was truly a beauty, and he wondered how he’d been fortunate enough to claim her as his.

  Clara watched him as he looked down at her, wondering what was going through his mind. His first wife, Sally, had been beautiful, and she knew she’d never compare to her. She only hoped that seeing her this way wouldn’t make him decide he was no longer willing to perform his marital duties.

  Albert swept her close, kissing her face and neck and shoulders. He was no longer being so gentle and tender as he kissed her everywhere he could reach, alternately nipping at her skin and sucking the small bites. She wrapped her arms around him and rubbed his back through the layers of clothes he still wore. She wondered how he’d feel if she undressed him, and decided it didn’t matter. She was his wife, and it was her privilege to undress him if she wanted to.

  “You sit down, now,” she whispered, trying to keep the embarrassment from her voice. She’d never been so forward with a man before, but she wanted to get him unclothed, and she wanted to be able to touch him while she undressed him.

  Albert moved to the foot of the bed, and leaned back on his hands, taking the exact pose she had. She pulled until his cowboy boots came off, and then she ran her hand up inside his pants leg to catch the top of his sock and pull it off. She certainly didn’t need to put both hands up there to remove his sock, but the look on his face told her he appreciated the gesture.

  When she repeated the same action for his other sock, he watched her carefully wondering what his new wife would do next. She skipped the foot rub, and instead, got to her feet, and he was almost disappointed. He’d never had a naked woman kneeling at his feet before, and he’d enjoyed it.

  She took his hand, helping him to his feet. As soon as he stood before her, she unbuttoned his long-sleeved flannel shirt and untucked it from his pants, pushing it to the floor. Under it he wore a plain white undershirt, and she pulled it over his head.

  She ran her fingertips over the fine dusting of hair on his chest and down to the waistband of his pants. Her fingers danced over the front placket, and instead of unbuttoning him, she gripped him through his pants instead.

  He let out a low groan. “Unbutton them,” he whispered. “Take them off me and touch me.”

  She smiled up at him, stepping into his arms and brushing her bare breasts against him instead. He’d made her wait a long time for this night, and she wasn’t going to let it happen too quickly. If he could tease her, then she could certainly tease him.

  He gripped her bottom, cupping her close to him and forcing her into his hardness. His mouth dropped to hers and kissed her passionately, insistently. “I need you.”

  She smiled, her hands reaching down between them to unbutton his pants. “Do you now?”

  He growled as her hands worked. “You can go faster than that!”

  She laughed softly. “But why should I? I thought you liked things slow.” She spread the opening in his pants wide, her hand moving beneath his underwear to grip his manhood.

  “Yes, touch me there!”

  She moved her hand over him, stroking him from base to tip and back again. “Like this?”

  His hands gripped her shoulders as his knees went weak. “I think it’s time to move this to the bed,” he whispered.

  She pushed his pants down over his hips and to the floor. “You think?”

  He pushed her backward until she fell onto the foot of the bed, and then lifted her hips to fit her there completely. He stretched out beside her, his hand immediately going between her thighs while his mouth angled toward one breast, pulling her nipple into his mouth.

  She arched against him, loving his touch on her. His hands were rough from the hard work he did, and his touch reminded her of what a strong man she was now married to.

  He lifted his head, looking down into her eyes by the light of the lantern still burning on the dresser. “Are you ready for me?”

  She nodded, nervous now that the time had actually come to join with him. She knew he’d be careful with her, but still, she’d only ever been with one man in her li
fe, and it was odd to give another person this much…power over her body.

  He rolled atop her and between her spread thighs, his eyes staring into hers as he reached down and guided himself inside her.

  Her eyes fluttered closed as he pushed deep. She was startled at the pain she felt, but it had been so long for her, she knew she shouldn’t be surprised. Her hands went up to grip his shoulders, and she clung tightly, waiting for the pain to pass.

  Albert felt Clara tense against him and guessed that she needed a little time. He rested his forehead against hers, panting to get control.

  After a moment, she pulled his mouth down to hers for a kiss, lifting her hips to invite him to continue. She stroked his back and shoulders, enjoying the feel of a man in her arms and inside her body again. It had been too long.

  With all the constant touching of the past two weeks, she felt herself growing tense and readying much faster than she’d expected. As soon as she’d clenched around him, he finished, collapsing on top of her.

  She sighed, kissing his cheek and holding him close. She’d missed the closeness of sharing her body with another person more than she’d missed the actual intimacy of sex. When he rolled to his side, she rolled with him, her head settling against his shoulder. She could think of nothing to say to him in those moments, and instead just stroked his chest with her hand while she lay close to him.

  Albert held her close, his hand stroking her hair. He’d missed this part of marriage more than he’d realized. He had worried he would feel guilty over making love to a woman other than his Sally, but instead, he felt cleansed.

  They fell asleep in each other’s arms, both of them wishing they had the right words to say to the other. Maybe they’d find them tomorrow.

  Chapter Five

  Clara woke with a start the following morning. The lantern was still burning beside the bed as she realized she was lying close to her husband with her legs tangled with his. She quickly rolled away from him, not wanting to meet his eyes. She couldn’t believe how she’d acted the night before, teasing him as she had. He was her husband and should have been the aggressor in their lovemaking, not her.